It’s funny how the thing that you avoid most, ALWAYS finds you.
Like… when you go into the store and you see someone you know.
We all have certain people we dodge. Old school friends, people we owe money to, Jesus, the guy at the video store because you still haven’t returned Jurassic Park, the neighbor because you kinda drove over his sprinkler this morning. The list could go on. Wait, it does...... I also avoid the hobos at the robots, those guys who come and collect money while you fill up at the petrol station, Christians, my mother when I haven’t cleaned my room, my one friend who spits a lot when she’s drunk, that person whose friend request I still haven’t accepted, and my boss when… well… I always avoid my boss.
My usual avoidance technique is rather primitive. I hide. Under a table, behind a tree, around the corner. I usually just hide. I’m really not even shy about it.
The other day at work, I hid under my desk.
Scenario A:
So you’re walking into the shop, on a mission, off to get some milk to make a chlorine bomb or maybe just get some popcorn for Jurassic Park tonight.... and there she is.
Terror.
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| Cue Jaws music |
A feeling of excitement sinks in as you realize that this has now become a mission impossible, evasive maneuver kind of operation. You need to bring out the ninja knives for this one.
You take a sharp left and find yourself in the Tupperware isle. You spend a few minutes there until you realize that Terror coincidently needs Tupperware too. Trying to be inconspicuous, you make as if what you’re looking for isn’t there. Or as if you’re lost.
I always act lost because then it seems like my mind is so pre-occupied and THAT’S why I didn’t see you, sorry man!!!!
Sharp right, caution caution – Terror left – and slowly into the bread isle.
Okay. So, I need bread! Buh-read. White bread. Oh god. I’m so lost. Again. Haaaaaa ha.
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| I'm lost. I also hate my life right now. Haaaaa..... |
You eventually get to the point where you resort to hiding out in the tampon section. It gets that bad. For me, at least.
Anyway this goes on for a while until you eventually scurry to the chips isle, grab a packet of microwave popcorn and run. Eyes glued to the ground to avoid eye contact. This is where I am usually VERY busy on my BlackBerry. Walk. Don’t stop. You have one place you need to get to, and that’s the till point.
You get there, throw the popcorn at the lady and scratch around to get the money from your wallet all before……
Mission failed.
“Heyyyyyyy Larissa!!!!”
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| Fu-hu-huuuuuuck. |
Me - “Oh, hey!! It’s…. it’s you!! What are you doing here?? Oh look, you’re buying Tupperware. I needed some Tupperware too but this store is so useless, they never have what I’m looking for.”
Terror - “Yeah it’s a small store.”
Me - “Yeah.”
*Awkward silence*
Me -“I have Jurassic Park at home.” *shows popcorn*
Terror – “Oh ja what a classic hey!”
Me – “Yeah…”
Me – “Okay well it was sooooo nice to see you, you look good, keep well! Tell your mom I say hi!” (Blissfully unaware of whether or not her mother is still alive)
So off you go, and you stop at the ATM to draw some cash before you leave.
True as fucking nuts, she comes up behind you.
Terror – “So, how have you been?”
Me in my head – Again? What? Didn’t we just have an entire thing about 5 seconds ago? Why are you talking to me? Fuck off.
Me – “I’ve been good hey, so busy with work and studies and blogging and hiding Oatees under my couch to check whether the domestic worker lady REALLY cleans properly.”
Terror – “Oh really hey...”
Terror - *hangs around, still, for no reason*
Me (reluctantly)- “How have you been?”
Terror – “Oh I’ve been good hey my kids are doing so well and last week my husband landed this great deal at work and blaah blaahhhh blah blahh blahh”
Me ............
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| In my head I've stabbed you 12 times |
Me (5 minutes later) – “Oh that’s really great hey.”
Terror – “She died, what do you mean it’s great?”
This is why I avoid people.
