I'll hold it in

So I’m a fan of bathroom breaks.When people get too much, I retreat to the bathroom for some peace. I totally understand why men do it.

At work, there’s a bathroom on the other side of where my area is. I go all the way there, so as to avoid seeing any people I know on the way or, heaven forbid, in the bathroom itself.

There’s nothing more awkward than a bathroom conversation.

Me: “Hey!” (hoping for nothing more than “hey” back)

Lady: “Hey how are you??  Where are you off to? I haven’t seen you for a while!”

Me: “Yeah they don’t give us as much water to drink here. Less bathroom breaks. Increases productivity. This is my one chance...”

Even a little bit funny for you?

Lady: "Haaaaaa...."

Lady: “So how’s work going?”

*toilet flushes*

Me: “Sorry what?”

Lady: “How’s WORK GOING?”

*hand drier thing makes noise*

Me: “Yeah hey!”

Lady: "What's wrong with this kid?"

It just never ends well. I’m also not a fan of speaking in the toilets because you don’t know who’s listening.

My favourite part of bathroom breaks is the prayer meetings that people have while doing a number 2. There is one specific woman who, EVERY TIME she walks in to the bathroom, starts chanting the name of Jesus.

“J-j-j-j-j-j-jesus. Thank you Jesus. Ahhh Jesus Jesus Jesus, praise Jesus.”

Now either she has been constipated for a really long time and shit is going down (pun intended) and she's super stoked about it, or she is just another one of those religious people who ruin other non-religious people’s bathroom breaks. She always ends up in the cubicle right next to me, even when the other 12 are open.

Her: "J-j-j-j-jesus thank you god sdaiurhakjsrhksjdhrkjsdhr *they call this ‘talking in tongues’*"

Me: "Jesus christ" (swearing)

Her: *JOINING TOGETHER IN PRAYER!!!!* "JESUS THANK YOU JESUS JESUS JESUS.."

Me: "Good god."

Her: *excited* "God is good he is good Jesus Jesus Jesus."

Me: *whispers* "Please no."

Her: "Jesus is lord. He is king mhsdjhgalffjs!!!!!!"

Me: *whispers* "But why me?"

Her: *bursts out into song* "Because heeeee is lord la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."

Me: *flushes without even peeing to drown out the noise*

Her: "WAAAAAA WAAAAAAA OHHHHHHHH LAAAAAAAAAA EEEEEEEEEEEE WAAAAAAAAA"

I imagined her to look something like this

At this stage I would say there is shit coming from both ends of her body.

Duck and take cover!

It’s funny how the thing that you avoid most, ALWAYS finds you.

Like… when you go into the store and you see someone you know.

We all have certain people we dodge. Old school friends, people we owe money to, Jesus, the guy at the video store because you still haven’t returned Jurassic Park, the neighbor because you kinda drove over his sprinkler this morning. The list could go on. Wait, it does...... I also avoid the hobos at the robots, those guys who come and collect money while you fill up at the petrol station, Christians, my mother when I haven’t cleaned my room, my one friend who spits a lot when she’s drunk, that person whose friend request I still haven’t accepted, and my boss when… well… I always avoid my boss.

My usual avoidance technique is rather primitive. I hide. Under a table, behind a tree, around the corner. I usually just hide. I’m really not even shy about it.

The other day at work, I hid under my desk. 

Scenario A: 

So you’re walking into the shop, on a mission, off to get some milk to make a chlorine bomb or maybe just get some popcorn for Jurassic Park tonight.... and there she is. 

Terror.



Cue Jaws music

A feeling of excitement sinks in as you realize that this has now become a mission impossible, evasive maneuver kind of operation. You need to bring out the ninja knives for this one.

You take a sharp left and find yourself in the Tupperware isle. You spend a few minutes there until you realize that Terror coincidently needs Tupperware too. Trying to be inconspicuous, you make as if what you’re looking for isn’t there. Or as if you’re lost.

I always act lost because then it seems like my mind is so pre-occupied and THAT’S why I didn’t see you, sorry man!!!!

Sharp right, caution caution – Terror left – and slowly into the bread isle.

Okay. So, I need bread! Buh-read. White bread. Oh god. I’m so lost. Again. Haaaaaa ha.



I'm lost. I also hate my life right now. Haaaaa.....



You eventually get to the point where you resort to hiding out in the tampon section. It gets that bad. For me, at least.

Anyway this goes on for a while until you eventually scurry to the chips isle, grab a packet of microwave popcorn and run. Eyes glued to the ground to avoid eye contact. This is where I am usually VERY busy on my BlackBerry. Walk. Don’t stop. You have one place you need to get to, and that’s the till point.

You get there, throw the popcorn at the lady and scratch around to get the money from your wallet all before……

Mission failed.

“Heyyyyyyy Larissa!!!!”

Fu-hu-huuuuuuck.

Me - “Oh, hey!! It’s…. it’s you!! What are you doing here?? Oh look, you’re buying Tupperware. I needed some Tupperware too but this store is so useless, they never have what I’m looking for.”

Terror - “Yeah it’s a small store.”

Me - “Yeah.”

*Awkward silence*

Me -“I have Jurassic Park at home.” *shows popcorn*

Terror – “Oh ja what a classic hey!”

Me – “Yeah…”

Me – “Okay well it was sooooo nice to see you, you look good, keep well! Tell your mom I say hi!” (Blissfully unaware of whether or not her mother is still alive)

So off you go, and you stop at the ATM to draw some cash before you leave.

True as fucking nuts, she comes up behind you.

Terror – “So, how have you been?”

Me in my head – Again? What? Didn’t we just have an entire thing about 5 seconds ago? Why are you talking to me? Fuck off.

Me – “I’ve been good hey, so busy with work and studies and blogging and hiding Oatees under my couch to check whether the domestic worker lady REALLY cleans properly.”

Terror – “Oh really hey...”

Terror - *hangs around, still, for no reason*

Me (reluctantly)- “How have you been?”

Terror – “Oh I’ve been good hey my kids are doing so well and last week my husband landed this great deal at work and blaah blaahhhh blah blahh blahh” 

Me ............

In my head I've stabbed you 12 times

Me (5 minutes later) – “Oh that’s really great hey.”

Terror – “She died, what do you mean it’s great?”

This is why I avoid people.

Pigeon Pie

So, there is nothing that I hate more in the world than birds. And lesbians.

But birds.

Birds in general. Ducks and geese and chickens and doves and parrots and pigeons. Fucking pigeons.

 

 I eat your liver



So I don’t know where my fear of birds came from. I really don’t. But I do know that every time a bird of any kind comes close, my eyes start to water and my ears get warm and if I don’t carefully control myself, my fight or flight thing will kick in and I’ll just run away. I generally can’t even walk close to birds. Those pigeons that aren’t scared of you that waddle so close…. I walk circles around them. They have short little legs. That freaks me out too.

Girlfriend seems to thoroughly enjoy calling the flock of geese over when we go to Emmarentia dam. They come at you thinking you’ve got food and then you’re all “Nah sorry she was kidding” and they’re all “Hissssssssss”

It’s scary shit man.

Bird story 1: 

When I was in school, a teacher came up to me with this little yellow bird in her hand saying that it’s a baby and it can’t fly, and I must please take it to the nursery school next door and put it there (so the kids could catch it and try to stick it up their noses or into their backpacks)

She had it in her 2 hands, and just its head stuck out and I thought - ‘OMGGGGG how cute ok sure I’ll take it!!’

Once I had that fucker in my hands, he was like ‘WAAAH!!! I trick you. I’m actually a frustrated male bird whose tail got bitten off by a cat and that’s why I can’t fly and I am now going to put a hundred holes in your hand’

 So here I am holding this thing with both hands, and it’s got me. It managed to grip the skin between my index finger and my thumb. My first instinct wasn’t to let go, but instead to simply squeeze the thing until its head popped off. I did exactly that.

I’m kidding.

I let it go, and it flew onto the counter at reception. When they told me to catch it, I told them to get fucked. That thing is a trained little ninja assassin. He knows my weaknesses. I will not be the victim again.

Bird story 2:

 After an evening out with friends on Sunday, I took the looong drive home. Long isn’t an exaggeration. There’s even a rest stop on the way to my house. Like those old abandoned ones in the field with the wooden long drops and the dodgy petrol attendants who cut you up and put your parts into bottles. Ok except this is an Engen with a Wimpy and a Woolies and it’s next to the road so it’s nothing like those old abandoned ones in the field. It is, however, far away from civilization.

So I was about to burst in my car and reluctantly pulled over at the Engen to use the bathroom.

I looked through my windscreen, and there he was.

Standing tall, arrogance beaming off of him like the light that some people think shines outa their assholes. His cocky little attitude and short stumpy legs in the middle of where I had to be, as if he knew that I would have to walk right past him to get to where I was going, and that he’d make my life hell by being where he was.

I got out of my car, *cowboy music playing in background* and took 2 small, tiny steps and reached for my pocket.

This is what I was looking at: 

 



Asshole rooster

As you can tell, I stood behind the wall and used as much of my zoom function as possible. This thing was guarding the door, I’m sure. For fear of having my limbs ripped off and my eyes savagely pecked out, I walked ALL the way around to the other side of the door and ran into the store. I wasn’t even shy about it. I kept saying “fucking chicken” out loud as I was walking around it, not taking my eyes off of it until those sliding doors closed.

I didn’t leave the store. I nonchalantly looked through the window every so often, as if I was checking on my car. I waited several minutes until I saw him cross the road (haaaahaha, get it? Why’d the chicken cross the r.... Okay yeah) and I made a break for my car.

Not a fan man. I am just not a fan.

Think, bitch, think!!!

So while discussing life and all its bullshit under a tree with a friend at a camping trip, we have come up with an analogy to describe our friends’ way of thinking.

We’ve used lines. I’m excited about this because I get to draw pictures.

I will try to illustrate how each ‘thinker’ gets from point A to point B. I know I can identify with a few of these.

1. OMG – Someone might see this.

So this is the paranoid thinker. The person who would rather take a completely different route rather than face some sort of a risk.





2. I can’t stop, I can’t stop.

This is the spiral thinker. The person who sees what’s happening, but just keeps doing it anyway. Kinda like when you take a big bite of a really hot roasted potato. You know it’s burning a small hole into your mouth but like a puppy you carry on, because it’s too late to turn back or spit that shit out. Plus it tastes good, even though it burns.

3. Let’s go this way, ohh look a new line. Let’s make it purple

Ahaaa. The creative thinkers. Those people who talk about purple unicorns and coloured acorns. Those people who don’t really know what line they’re on, but they’ll keep changing colour and direction as and when they need to. They get there eventually, that’s all that matters.

4. There must be another line, a smarter line.

The process-driven thinkers. There must be a quicker way. Have I thought about all the possible lines? What’s gonna happen if this line fucks out and starts to become a dotted line?? Heaven forbid I’m on a dotted line. How do we get the best out of this line? These people are tiring. Sometimes I am one of these people. I make myself tired. I wish I could skip the line completely and float to point B on a bubble.

5. Your line looks great!!!

Here are the line jumpers. Those people who don’t really have a solid opinion when it comes to anything. They jump on whatever line seems best. Whatever line everyone else is on at the time.

6. There are a million other lines here.

The over-analyzers. The people who read too much into everything. The over-thinkers. These people are draining. Nothing is simple for them. They see a hundred different lines, where we would see only 2. Perhaps these are the smarter, more experienced thinkers. Those who know every possible outcome. Those who have been there and done that and have several different scars to show for it.

7. Fuck your lines, I’m drawing my own.

The rebels. Those who will make a point of drawing their own lines, just because they can. The thinkers who will get to point B in their own time, in their own way.

8. The reckless.

They don’t care what happens between point A and  point B.They go full speed around the corners and don’t care if the road ends there.

9. Tomorrow? Future? What?

They think about what they need right.now.and.nothing.else.matters. There is no tomorrow in their plans.

10. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

And then..... There are those who just don’t think at all.

I know we all enjoy a quickie

So, this little post is dedicated to a few of the stupid things that people I know have said and done. Lord knows I've had my own moments, but you can post that on your own blog.

Eg. 1

Girl’s status on Facebook : Was a fog outside my door this morning. Not happy!

Me (Assuming she meant frog) : Fogs. Can't trust them hey. Being all misty and shit.

Girl: I know right? I can't handle them.

Me: I know. Imagine a whole family of fogs? Kinda wouldn’t know where to go.

Girl: At last! Someone who understands my pain.

Me: Yeah, I’m in some pain now.

Girl : Why, what’s wrong??

By this time, I’d given up. Stupid wins.

I would totally do a screen shot of this status and paste it here… but after a few weeks I think she realized that I was making fun of her that entire time and she deleted her post.

Eg. 2

Girl : If you’re happy and you know it, klap your hands *klap klap*

Sharlie: Or we could clap?

This girl takes the cake for stupid. She could have her own stupid cake. She could bake it AND eat it. I think eventually she deleted me from Facebook . Pity. I was always waiting for the next stupid thing she’d say. The suspense killed me.

Eg. 3

Girl: Wow, this weather is crazy. It must be global warning.

Me: Well thank god it’s not global warming.

Eg. 4

My 29 year old sister: I wouldn’t wanna go to France. I can’t speak a word of France.

Me: Or English.

So I would like to update this post with a few of your (the 5 people that I know read this blog) stupid people moments. Please send them to me and I can add them here!!

I heard you're gangster, I'm pretty gangster myself, yo!!!

So, post no. 2.

Still not sure why I’m doing this blog thing. The inspiration for this post comes from a conversation with a friend of mine on BBM today. It’s a funny-turned-serious post. So for those of you who think you’re going to be bored, please continue with Farmville, or that porn that you were watching. Please remember to forward any good porn to my personal email address.  The midget porn one of you sent me last time had a virus on that made everything on my pc really small.... (Drum roll aaannnnd *crash*)

The conversation went as follows:

Me: Dude, what IS South Star Saints anyway? (The tattoo she and several other lesbians recently had done)

Girl: LOL (cringe) it’s the name of our group thingy

Me: A group thingy? Like…. A gang?

Girl: Hahahaha not a gang, makes us sound dodge.

Me: Hahahaha ok. So, what does your group thingy do? And what happens when you’re 40 and no more part of the group? Do you guys have a theme song?

Girl: hahahaha it’s easy to cover up and we always have each others back and we always together

Me: What if you move to the North?

Girl: LOL (good god) it doesn’t matter I live in the North

Me: (already bored) That’s a total contradiction. Why did you get it on your calf?

Girl: Cause ima make it a full calf piece, that’s the beginning of it

Me:  Are you going to go in all different directions? Like, north south east west? You could be ‘North Side Stoppers’, or ‘West Winged Apotheosis’. Or ‘Elderly from the East’... See cuz by the time you get the east one, you could be old. If you do it now, you should do it on your thigh, so that by the time you’re 50 it’s on your calf. God forbid you move somewhere central. That would be a problem.

She then sent a reply that sparked the serious bit in our conversation.

Girl: LOL (FML) hahahahahahahahaha (cuz I’m THAT funny) Rissa you are not normal (Me – hahahahahahahahahaha LOL?) they just mean a lot to me cause they helped me out when I had no one else LOL (…) they even fucked up a transvestite who tried its luck with me and scared the shit out of me.

Me: My dude. People who beat up other people, are not your friends. They’re people who feel the need to beat up people who are different in order to feel better about their own shit. Transvestites are people, all you needed to do was say “Yo, please back off”. Transsexual or transgendered (not sure of the correct English term for this) people are like us dude, so discriminating against them while we hate homophobes is a complete contradiction. So don’t hate on homophobes when your friends go around beating up transsexuals.

She didn’t reply.

So…

I would normally be the one to say something. I am rather opinionated. I say something when I morally disagree.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had an experience with a gay person who has an issue with a transvestite. I find that discrimination between transvestites, gays, lesbians and I’ll even include hermaphrodites in this, is common.

I am appalled, and actually incredibly offended. We are the first to say ‘stop homophobia’, while we turn around and make jokes about people like Caster Semenya. If we as homosexuals want anything in our world to change, I think a big part of the change needs to take place within our own community. We don’t want hate but we ourselves, hate.
A friend’s status the other day - “I hate homophobes.” This attitude is only going to drive the nail deeper into the coffin, I rate.

Girl’s friends are probably going to come after me now. I could hit her with these words, but I doubt my words will be very effective while she’s hitting me with a brick.

Let’s hope I live long enough to post my 3^rd blog. Good things happen in 3’s, apparently.

Introduction

Heyyyyy guys!

I figured that I needed to feel cool and have an awesome blog. I will be cool. I will. I’m just waiting for chest hair. I will be cool.

Anyway, I am the proud owner of a blog. I added a picture for effect.

My first blog post. You see I could make it great and thereby set the standard for the rest of my blogs, or I could make this one rather sucky and have them become progressively awesome-er. Then every time you read my blog you’ll be like ‘Hey, this chick keeps getting BETTER!’ and I’ll be like ‘Hey look at me go!’

I could post about lesbians. But my friend already does that so beautifully.

I could create some sort of a photo blog thing, but this girl makes me look like an amateur.

I could try and be funny but you see, my sense of humour is a little sadistic.

For example:

The one time, this kid was walking with his bicycle next to him, and he tripped. He tripped and in one swift movement flew over his bike and did a face plant at my feet. My first reaction? “BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

His parents looked at me with disapproval. The kid wasn’t too happy either. I was. It was the funniest thing I’d seen all day.

Another time – I was sitting on the deck at Willard Beach in Ballito. There were 3 kids, a brother (about 12) and sister (about 7) and one dude who seemed to be like one of those loners who just pick a friend and become an appendage for the rest of the holiday. I used to get a lot of those. For some reason I had this ability to attract the creepiest loners. The ones who follow you around and do everything you do but actually say NOTHING. Not even hello. Sometimes you aren’t even sure if they speak. But religiously, every day you would meet at the same place and carry on with your awesome kid stuff that you do, along with this mute friend. At the end of it all, you just leave, or he just leaves.

Now that I think about it, that is perfect. A temporary attachment who would share the same experiences, do what you do, like what you like. Company, a silent friendship, an understanding. And then when it’s done, it’s done. You leave, he leaves and no one is sad.

I am digressing slightly, so let me continue.

Ballito, on the deck. The 3 kids had found a rock, slightly higher than the sand bank itself. The boys decided to run and ramp themselves off of the rock, doing awesome spinning things and flips in the air before they hit the sand.

The girl, being a girl, said, “You think you’re cool?? WATCH THIS!!!!”

She ran. Her face painted with determination and willpower. Her expression screamed ‘I WILL be awesome’.

She ran from so far back that by the time she got to the rock she was tired. I sat up in my chair. I knew this was going to be good. She leaped from the rock, arms outstretched like Superman. And somehow, that’s exactly how she went down. I don’t know what happened between the rock and the sand, but her face hit the sand first.

My reaction?

“BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA *choke on my gum* BAAAHAHAHAHAHA *can’t breathe* HAHAHAHAHAHA *fall on floor*” 

I’m sure by now you get the picture? 

I will most likely spend the next 12 blogs trying to figure out what I’m blogging about.